Solitude
by Angelprinczess
Summary: Oneshot songfic to Solitude by Evanescence. Quistis ponders her feelings for Squall and makes a decision.


Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or the song "Solitude," by Evanescence.

Author's Note: As much as it may seem that I hate Quistis, I really don't. Actually, I liked her as much as anyone else in the "orphanage gang" until I read some fics that explored her feelings of hatred towards Rinoa. Personally, I felt as if Quistis did, at one time, have strong feelings for Squall, but accepted that he was going to be with Rinoa. I also believe that most of the hype about Quistis hating Rinoa did come through fanfiction, which is perfectly fine. It's _fan_fiction, so we have every right to write about the game in whatever light we so desire. This fic is a take on Quistis' hidden emotions.

Yes, I know I have had her as one of the bad guys in a few of my fics, but the thing is, I really enjoy writing both sides of Quistis and it's fun to explore what pent up feelings she might have. Anyway, I have never written a piece that really centered around Quistis alone, so here it is now. I did not write this fic to bash Quistis or anything of the sort. I wrote it to try to get a realistic, angsty, look into her mind and what she could be feeling. So, here it is. Perhaps I will need to borrow Dark Raion's fire suit....

Solitude

**__**

How many times have you told me you love her

As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth

Quistis observed from a distance as Squall and Rinoa sat in the Quad, completely oblivious to the world around them. Her heart constricted painfully at the sight of Squall's smile. No one could bring it out like _her_. All Quistis seemed to be feeling these days was anguish and rage. She was so sick of hearing about how perfect Rinoa was and how in love Squall was with her. So many times, she had wanted to show Squall what was in her heart, but lately, he seemed to ignore her. Nobody, in his eyes, could compare to his angel.

**__**

How long have I stood here beside you

I live through you

You look through me

How Quistis longed to be the one in Squall's heart. Every time she saw him kiss Rinoa, she wished that it was her lips that he claimed. When she saw them embracing, all she wanted was to feel his arms around her. Every touch, every look, ate away at her soul. What had she ever done to be so cruelly punished? She had loved Squall from the beginning, but he had never returned her affections. Hell, he was never one to show his emotions. Not until _she _showed up, anyway. Now, Quistis had no one. She was even more alone than before.

**__**

Ooh, Solitude,

Still with me is only you

Ooh, Solitude,

I can't stay away from you

Each day that went by became increasingly more painful for Quistis to bear. How could she, when everywhere she turned, she was faced with the sight of _them_? It was so sickeningly pathetic. Yet, she wanted the same thing. What could she do? Every day was spent in seclusion, simply wanting to get away from it all. No longer could she stand by, a silent witness to a love that never was, but meant everything all the same.

**__**

How many times have I done this to myself

How long will it take before I see

When will this hole in my heart be mended

Who now is left alone but me

Day by day went by, each with the promise of getting over him. These promises were repeatedly broken, as Quistis found that one look into his blue eyes would get her head spinning all over again. Why couldn't she just face the facts and accept that they were never meant to be? Squall had finally found some happiness, which should make her happy. _Screw it_, she thought. Why should he be happy without her?

**__**

Ooh, Solitude

Forever me and forever you

Ooh, Solitude

Only you, only true

She looked out across the fields from her balcony. They were all out there, having the time of their lives. Why couldn't she just be happy and fit in? Why did this constant weight have to hold her down? If only Squall would open his eyes and see what was right in front of him. She, not Rinoa, had known him since they were kids. She had looked out for him, protected him. Why did he scorn her so? Was she doomed to live out the rest of her days in the accursed recesses of her mind?

**__**

Everyone leaves me stranded

Forgotten, abandoned, left behind

I can't stay here another night

This was all too much for Quistis. She had been tolerant for as long as she could. That was no longer an option. She absolutely _had _to get away from it all, before it drove her insane. She wanted to be normal, like everyone else. When she smiled, she wanted it to be genuine. But her wounds had cut so deep that she feared she would never be able to close them. No amount of stitching could help her now. If she didn't get away, they would claim her life.

**__**

Your secret in my heart

Who could it be

She crept the halls, praying that no one would question her whereabouts until she was safely away from the prison that had claimed far too many years of her life. As soon as she was through the gates, she began sprinting as fast as possible. She ran and ran and ran until her legs gave out and she collapsed. A life without Squall was bad enough, but a life without Squall where she had to watch him live happily with someone else was even worse. At least here, she would no longer have to bear his scrutinizing gaze when he looked at her, and his soft, caressing ones, when he looked at Rinoa. Here, she was free to roam in the wild, bearing the emblem of pain within her heart, but all the while, never allowing _them _to see it.

**__**

Ooh, can't you see

All along it was me

How can you be so blind 

As to see right through me

He probably wouldn't even notice that she was gone. Even if he did, would he care? She would like to think that he would, after the many years they had known each other, but Squall was never one to take pity on others. By her leaving, he would most likely hate her even more. Hate? When had that subject been broached? _Did _Squall hate her? Regardless, he simply didn't _care _about her anymore. Did he ever? Anything they ever had, evaporated like the early morning mist. Rinoa was his sole concern now. There was no room in his life for one Quistis Trepe.

**__**

And ooh, Solitude,

Still with me is only you

Ooh, Solitude,

I can't stay away from you

Where did her future now lie? There was one point in her life when she honestly believed Squall would reciprocate her feelings. She dreamed that he would fall madly in love with her, and they could live the rest of their days in the presence of each other. Quistis' eyes welled up as she saw now how unrealistic her dreams were. Maybe all the future had in store for her was a lonely, bitter life. No matter how much she longed to see Squall, she could never return to her old lifestyle. Everything was too painful...she needed to begin anew.

Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself and continued walking through the woods. She absolutely had to do the right thing. She needed to extract Squall from her mind, as well as her heart. Only then would she even have the slightest chance of setting him free. Not that she was too keen on the idea, but it was something that simply had to be done. Whether she liked it, or not.

**__**

Ooh, Solitude,

Forever me and forever you

Ooh, Solitude,

Only you, only true

~*~ 

****


End file.
